Reflections on My 54th Birthday: Loss, Grief, Home, Identity, Gratitude, Faith, Acceptance, Surrender, Truth
This past year has been one of profound loss and immense transformation. My journey through grief has stripped me raw, revealing truths about love, identity, resilience, and faith that I never knew I needed to face. Each loss unearthed deeper layers of pain but also unveiled lessons about courage, acceptance, and the power of surrender. The devastation in my personal life collided with the unfolding tragedy in Palestine, amplifying my emotions and connecting my grief to a collective intergenerational story of resilience and survival.
The Search for Home After Loss
This year, I experienced the very viscerally disorienting and destabilizing absence of a solid, safe, secure home, more acutely than ever. I felt stripped naked, and what was revealed was extremely difficult to witness, let alone acknowledge and accept. Old, buried, even subconscious traumas bubbled to the surface- fear of abandonment, lack of safety and security, not having/being enough, self-doubt, and so much more, stuff I didn’t even know was there! After the painful ending of my 10 year relationship, I left behind the house and life we had built together, and found myself in the terrifying reality of the ‘in-between’-moving around and staying in ten different homes, graciously offered by friends and angels who gathered around me and literally carried me through. My ‘displacement’ happened to eventually coincide with the barbaric annihilation and displacement of tens of thousands of Palestinians, that the world has been witnessing live, and which has amplified the trauma ten fold!
The genocide unfolding in Gaza shattered any illusion of grounding. Watching families lose not only their homes but also their lives put my own struggles into perspective. While I lamented my lack of a permanent roof, I found gratitude in the abundance of love and support that has seen me through this time. During a particularly emotional break down with my brother, I was lovingly reminded: “You don’t have a home; you have homes.”
For Palestinians, home is more than a place—it is a fight for existence. This year, I’ve learned that home isn’t a fixed location but the sense of safety, security, love, and belonging we create and carry within us, no matter how far we are scattered. And it is the love we are surrounded with that provides that ‘home’ in the hearts of our beloveds.
How Grief Shapes Identity and Belonging
As a Palestinian woman in the diaspora, my identity has always been tied to a history of displacement and resilience. The past year tested this identity in ways I couldn’t have anticipated. The loss of my closest aunt—our family’s Palestinian warrior and a proud bearer of our heritage—was a devastating reminder of the fragility of those who hold our stories. Born in the year of the Nakba (1948), she carried the weight of our collective history with dignity and strength, instilling in us all an unbreakable connection to our homeland, Palestine.
Her passing, followed by the Palestinian holocaust, forced me to confront not only the collective grief of my people but also my own struggles with belonging. Identity is a battle for Palestinians—a fight to hold onto our roots while navigating a world that often tries, but fails, to erase us. This year, more than maybe ever before, I’ve embraced and embodied the truth of who I am with so much pride, dignity, determination, courage, strength, faith and the responsibility of carrying my heritage forward. We will continue to carry our stories with us so that the world does not erase us, forget us! That is our identity!
Facing Harsh Truths Through Loss
This year has been a stark reckoning with truth—both personal and collective. The end of my relationship revealed harsh realities about myself: how I had abandoned my needs, silenced my voice, and clung to a version of love that was anything but. The breakup forced me to confront patterns of self-betrayal and the wounds of my past. These realizations were probably some of the most difficult to acknowledge and face.
At the same time, the world began to awaken to the truth of Palestine. For the first time in our history, the global narrative has shifted. The world can no longer turn a blind eye to the atrocities committed against my people for the past 75 years. This global awakening has only added fuel not only to my grief but also my anger and resolve. Truth is non-negotiable, whether in love, in identity, or in the fight for justice.
Lessons on Love Through Grief and Loss
Grief has reshaped my understanding of love. True love isn’t about grand gestures or romantic ideals; it is quiet, steadfast, and selfless. This year, love showed up in unexpected places—in the unwavering support of family and friends, in moments of shared humanity, and in the outpouring of empathy for Palestinians around the world.
I also learned what love is not. Love isn’t gaslighting, avoidance, or spiritual bypassing. It isn’t losing yourself to accommodate someone else’s version of reality. Love demands truth and courage, even when it’s painful. This year, I let go of relationships that no longer served me, choosing instead to surround myself only with people who can hold space for me, in all my messiness, as well as celebrate my resilience.
Family Bonds in Times of Loss
The unconditional love of my family has been my anchor. When I had nothing, they gave me everything. After my breakup, my ex-husband surprisingly and very unexpectedly, offered me his home as a place to stay until I got settled, a gesture of kindness and generosity I will never forget. Finding him dead in his bed 5 days after I arrived was the most devastating and perverse twist of fate! In my shock and disbelief, I found myself livid with the universe and questioning the meaning behind such an inconceivable heart-shattering move! What could possibly be the lesson behind this, and did it have to be so brutal? There’s only so much I can take!
I see now the universe’s wisdom in bringing me to him during his final days. He had been struggling for a long time, which he hadn’t shared with me at all. I was brought there so that he could let go, exit quickly and quietly, safely, and not alone. It took a while but I came to feel blessed for being ‘chosen’ to be the one to be there.
For Palestinians, family extends beyond bloodlines. It is a collective bond forged in struggle and solidarity. As I grieve the loss of my loved ones this year, I hold space for the families in Gaza enduring unimaginable pain and loss. To my Palestinian brothers and sisters: You are not alone. We are your family, standing with you in love and in the fight for justice.
Building Resilience in the Wake of Pain
Resilience isn’t about bouncing back—it’s about moving forward, carrying the weight of your experiences with grace. This year, I’ve learned that surrendering to grief doesn’t mean giving up; it means allowing yourself to feel deeply, in order to process and heal.
Palestinians epitomize such resilience. Despite decades of oppression, they continue to stand tall, showing the world what it means to fight for dignity and freedom. Their strength has been a huge inspiration, reminding me that even in the darkest times, in faith, we continue to rise.
Gratitude and the Power of Surrender
Through the heartbreak and upheaval, I’ve found moments of gratitude —for the love that carried me, for the truths that surfaced, and for the faith that continues to guide me.
This year has been a crucible—a refining fire that has burned away illusions and left me standing, real and raw, in my truth. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I’ve grown stronger, more compassionate, and deeply connected to what truly matters. and for that, I am eternally grateful.
The journey through grief has been both devastating and illuminating. It has taught me to hold space for pain while still finding room for faith. It has connected my personal story to a greater narrative of survival, resistance, and hope.
How has grief or displacement shaped your understanding of love, strength, faith and identity? I’d love to hear your reflections in the comments.
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